Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
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Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
haha same
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
A friend sent me this.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”