Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
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restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.