I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
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Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other