Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
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(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.