me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
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An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Look at this
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket