I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
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Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
That’s easy for you to say
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.