I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
You Might Also Like
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
how high up are we talkin’?
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁