[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
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When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Breaking news:
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.