A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
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My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
This is not me but this is me
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.