Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
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Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Just a phase…
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Said the murderer.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?