It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
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95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Good morning.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Watermelon Boss!
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.