Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
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There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup