There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
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ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Not even remotely sorry.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.