Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
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[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
I like long walks away from everyone
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”