I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
You Might Also Like
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.