Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
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Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going