you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
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During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered