Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
You Might Also Like
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
is it earth
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.