Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
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Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
What
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION