This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
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Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”