*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
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Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
your honor my client chooses dare
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
it was love at first sight
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.