Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
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Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
mentally somewhere in italy
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”