Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
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good work, detective
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
asked my bf how work was today
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks