police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
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Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.