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[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Love this guy
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”