Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
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Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.