DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
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i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
this is the best day of my life
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
i meant to share this earlier
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.