Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
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jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?