Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
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If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
So inspired right now.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.