Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
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My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.