Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
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Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Cndnsd Mlk
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.