sin harder.
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I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
#polloftheday
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale