are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
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You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie