Sorry. Not sorry
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If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems