Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
You Might Also Like
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
🤣dope
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Haha! 😂
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*