Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
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A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Life is a suicide mission.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.