it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
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My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
#DesignFail
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
How to woo a woman
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
our love story in four pictures