All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
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DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Lmfaoooooo
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.