living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
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Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]