4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
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BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!