Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
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My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
(Gaming support cat.)
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Breakfast for Stoners:
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Lol
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant