Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
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Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”