A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
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Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Happy thanksgiving
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Big Sex has us all fooled
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS