I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
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Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.