Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
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just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie