[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
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Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?