My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
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Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.