Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
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[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Sing it!
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture