Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
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FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Scream sneezers need love too.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…