If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
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Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.